Those Wacky Straights

Proving the sanctity of marriage survives despite threats to it by "the gays," another storybook romance thrives. Or not.

Ending more than a year of break-up rumors, "Newlyweds" Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey have officially decided to call it quits, ET has confirmed.

"After three years of marriage, and careful thought and consideration, we have decided to part ways," the couple said in a statement Wednesday. "This is the mutual decision of two people with an enormous amount of respect and admiration for each other. We hope that you respect our privacy during this difficult time."

Wow, three years. Give them a gold star. Hell, I've had headaches that lasted longer. Let's take this opportunity to examine some of the stated arguments against gay marriage and compare them with today's posterchildren, Nick and Jessica.

1. Marriage is between a man and a woman. Well, as best we can tell, Nick is a man and Jessica is a woman (albeit it a mostly silicon one). Score one for the straight couple. But, then again, there were numerous reports that more than one man and one woman were involved in this relationship. I do believe "to have and to hold" refers only to the person you marry -- not the hottie you meet in Vegas. Let's call it 50-50.

JessNick No-Gay-Marriage Argument Score: 5 out of 10 points.

2. A same-sex marriage is not the best environment to raise children. Nick and Jessica at least were smart enough to not have children -- or at least not any we know about together. Nick looks like the player type, so he probably has at least one bastard kid roaming around Kansas or whatever venue his crappy band use to play. But these two do have a child together, and they'll be divorced by New Year's.

JessNick No-Gay-Marriage Argument Score: 1.

3. Gay marriage is immoral. So is eating shellfish. Nick and Jessica are insignificant to this argument. Then again, they are insignificant to most arguments.

JessNick No-Gay-Marriage Argument Score: 2.

4. Marriage is for procreation. No kids -- thankfully -- mean Nick and Jessica should have absolved this marriage long ago. Well, except for that TV contract and steady MTV paychecks. That does account for something.

JessNick No-Gay-Marriage Argument Score: 4.

5. Same-sex marriage threatens the "institution" of straight marriage. No, I think the straight folks are handling that on their own just fine. Besides, the queers have done more for straight marriage than the straights themselves. Florists? Gay. Wedding directors? Gay. Caterers? Gay. Church music directors? Gay. Need I go on?

JessNick No-Gay-Marriage Argument Score: Minus-62.

So there you have it: Nick and Jessica, we the homosexuals thank you for your fine example of how committed relationships work. We thank you for the many children you've brought into this world to ensure mankind's continuation. Most of all, we thank you for being a man and a woman. That's apparently the only qualification you have over us.

See you next year, Jessica. See you next year, Nick. By this time in 2006, here's guessing you're both on marriage (and mutual separation) No. 2.

P.S. Trent over on Pink Is The New Blog alerts us that Talan has sobered up and his engagement to one of Rod Stewart's 48 children (at least her mother was actually married to him) is off. Note to Talan: Call Tommy Tooth. You obviously missed his pointed instructions that you need to actually marry her for it to be a beard.