Cha-Ching: Lesser Of Two (?) Evils Prevails

Who's ya daddy? If you're Anna Nicole's little girl, you now have an answer -- although considering your choices, you might just as soon be an orphan.

Choice 1: A sleazy lawyer with one client (your drugged-up mother) who just happened to be around at the time your mom and your brother both OD'ed

Choice 2: A "photojournalist" with ethics that allow him to sleep with his most-photographed subject and sell her photos after she dies

Choice 3: An actor/boyguard/chef whose biggest role was either "Bar Patron," "Military Observer" or "Mercenary" -- although his greatest stretch was playing himself

Choice 4: A masseur/fake prince whose only claim to fame before all of this was that he's been married to Zsa Zsa Gabor longer than the other seven men she called hubby

Choice 5: The sperm of a rich oilman who's been dead for more than 10 years -- and whose fortune is nothing less than a curse to anyone around it

Jeez, when you put it that way, maybe the paparazzo guy ain't so bad after all.

DNA tests prove it: Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole Smith's million-dollar baby.

"I told you so!" the late Playboy Playmate's former boyfriend said Tuesday upon emerging from a closed court hearing. He added: "My baby's going to be coming home pretty soon."

Birkhead, a 34-year-old California photographer, then hugged his rival, Howard K. Stern, who has been caring for baby Dannielynn since Smith's sudden death in February.

The hearing was a pivotal moment in the battle over who gets custody of the girl, who could inherit a fortune from the estate of Smith's late husband, J. Howard Marshall II. Although Birkhead is the father, Stern's name is on the birth certificate. Another custody hearing was scheduled for Friday.

"I told you so!"? And hugging Howard K. Stern? That's his reaction? We guess we shouldn't expect more. The whole damn crew is nutso.

Well, except for you, Howard. We love you. Serious. No, really.