Cocktail of the Week -- Are You Ready for Some Football? Edition



The late, great Lewis Grizzard, a rapid Georgia fan, once summed up Southerners obsession with college football in a description of himself: "I'm Bulldog born and Bulldog breed, and when I die, I'll be by-god Bulldog dead." (Yes, Lewis was a Dawg alright, which may explain those three divorces. But we digress.)

Tennessee Vol Beachgirl (you can tell a Tennessee fan, but you can't tell him much) reminded me of this as she sent along a few oldies-but-goodies college football jokes as most teams' seasons begin tomorrow. I particularly like the differences between football above the Mason-Dixon line and football below it. Here are a few ...

Women's Accessories

NORTH: Burt's Bees chapstick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of Captain Morgan/Crown. Money is not necessary - that's what dates are for.

Campus Decor

NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.

Homecoming Queen

NORTH: Also physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.

Tailgating

NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who comes over during breaks and asks for a hit off bottle of bourbon.

Getting to the Stadium

NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.

Commentary (Male)

NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: Dammit, you slow sumbitch -- tackle him and break his legs!

Commentary (Female)

NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: Dammit, you slow sumbitch - tackle him and break his legs!

Now on to this week's cocktail: The Touchdown.

Ingredients

4 oz. bourbon (of course)
8 oz. lemonade
8 oz. iced tea (unsweetened) (Editor's note: Was this drink invented by a Yankee? BaT: Let's hope it was a diabetic.)

Instructions

Combine the bourbon with the iced tea in a mixing glass filled with ice. Strain equal parts into two Hurricane glasses filled with ice. Top with the lemonade. (Makes two 12-oz. servings.)

Drink several, then go break that sumbitch's legs!

P.S.: Grizzard's greatest line ever came when he was advising Atlanta residents on how to evacuate the city in case of nuclear war: "If you live on the South side of Atlanta, get on I-75 and go south. If you live of the North side of Atlanta get on I-75 and go north. If you are a Yankee get on 285."

(Only Duane might get that joke. But for those of you unfamiliar with Grizzard and Atlanta, I'll explain. Grizzard hated Yankees. A lot of Yankees moved to Atlanta during the '80s economic boom. I-285 is the loop around Atlanta ... it's just a big circle.)

Cheers!