I'll Tell You What's Pathetic, Tommy Tooth

GQ has published some pretty vapid interviews in its time. But discussing sex "secrets" with Tommy Tooth has to take the cake.

TOM CRUISE enjoys a "spectacular" sex life with his pregnant fiancee KATIE HOLMES, because they have such good communications skills. The Hollywood actor reveals his sex secrets in the May (06) issue of GQ magazine, declaring the physical act is a "by-product" of a successful pairing.

Cruise enthuses, "Sex is about the connection. "Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it's an extension of that. Where it's just free. And that's how it should be. It's spectacular. If you're not in good communication with your partner, it sucks. "(Meaningless sex outside of a relationship) is really horrible and pathetic and lonely."

Where do we start when discussing Tommy Tooth and horrible and pathetic?

-- He's almost 43 years old, and he feels it necessary and appropriate to discuss his sex life with GQ's 775,000 (supposedly) readers? Check.

-- He's 43 years old, he's been married two times and is one his way to a third trip down the aisle? Check.

-- Despite his cult's proclamations about the "sanctity of marriage," he no doubt cheated -- or at least pretended to cheat -- on both wives (he met Nicole Kidman while still married to Mimi Rogers and he met Penelope Cruz while still married to Nicole Kidman)? Check.

-- His current brainwashee is 27 years old, meaning she was just 3 years old when he starred in "Taps"? Check.

-- He (supposedly) also got said brainwashee pregnant outside of wedlock and the sanctity of marriage? Check.

-- He's had to file three lawsuits to defend his honor against being called gay? Check.

-- Both of his attorneys are tied to the Hollywood wiretapping scandal, and investigators found taped conversations of Cruise and Kidman? Check.

That's a good start, I think. Loser.