You Will Be Ass-imilated

All black people can dance, all Asian people are smart and all gay people have exceptionally good taste. Steroetypes? You bet. But certainly fodder for a little fun on a cold Monday when I had to stay at the office far too late. Thankfully, a friend from Gay Mecca sent me an e-mail to liven the day and provide blog material:

Brokeback Mountain Weekly Grocery Lists
for Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, Summer, 1963

WEEK ONE
* Beans
* Bacon
* Coffee
* Whiskey

WEEK TWO
* Beans
* Ham
* Coffee
* Whiskey

WEEK THREE
* Beans al fresca
* Thin-sliced Bacon
* Hazelnut Coffee
* Skyy vodka & Tanqueray gin
* K-Y gel

WEEK FOUR
* Beans en salade
* Pancetta
* Coffee (espresso grind)
* 5-6 bottles best Chardonnay
* 2 tubes K-Y gel

WEEK FIVE
* Fresh Fava beans
* Jasmine rice
* Prosciutto, approx. 8 ounces, thinly sliced
* Medallions of veal
* Porcini mushrooms
* 1/2 pint of heavy whipping cream
* 1 Cub Scout uniform, size 42 long
* 5-6 bottles French Bordeaux (Estate Reserve)
* 1 extra large bottle Astro-glide

WEEK SIX
* Yukon Gold potatoes
* Heavy whipping cream
* Asparagus (very thin)
* Organic eggs
* Spanish lemons
* Gruyere cheese (well aged)
* Crushed Walnuts
* Arugula
* Clarified Butter
* Extra Virgin Olive oil
* Pure Balsamic vinegar
* 6 yards white silk organdy
* 6 yards pale ivory taffeta
* 3 cases of Dom Perignon Masters Reserve
* Large tin Crisco

Funny, huh? And pretty close to accurate, considering the trailer parks and housing projects a lot of us came out of and our attitudes toward "gas station coffee" and water out of the tap. After reading the list, I couldn't help but think of the Borg from Star Trek:

"We are the Borg. Lower your shields and power down your weapons. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."

On a sidenote, Amazon's Listmania features: "If your gay ... and have good taste ... 15 things to have." I've only read one of the items on the list, and I only own one other. But, hey, it's the Cher CD, so I get, like, triple points, right? Right?

Oh, to hell with it, my late-night snack of Dom and crushed walnuts awaits.