Breakfast at Tiffany's – Because I Do Not Know

The Red States Respond

Spencer over at World View passed this along. My comments in red (get it? get it?) ...

Open Letter to the Red States:

We're ticked off at the way you've treated California, and we've decided we're leaving. (God, what took you so long?) We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. (There are, what, like 10 of them?)

In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii (Much of Hawaii wants to be its own country, so you'll have to count them out if we're splitting up), Oregon (Um, is Oregon even a state? Sorry, Vince, no offense), Washington (That's OK, we have enough rain down here), Minnesota (Where a professional wrestler was governor; you'll be sending them back soon enough), Wisconsin (The Packers suck), Michigan (Most of the cars anyone buys nowadays are made in the South nowadays), Illinois (We'll trade you Cleveland for Chicago, but you gotta keep the Cubs) and the entire Northeast. (So far, I'm not seeing the downside.) We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California. (How will the New Yorkers feel about being part of "New California? And would the president be this guy?)

To sum up briefly: you get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. (Slave states? This would include, then, the Blue States of Maryland and Delaware, as well as Washington, D.C. -- where slavery remained legal even after the American Civil War began and also after Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation. In fact, it could include almost all of the Northeastern "slave states," as many of them did not truly end slavery until the mid-1800s.) We get stem cell research (The Tulane University Center for Gene Therapy -- in Louisiana -- is the first U.S. government-funded center to produce and distribute well-characterized adult stem cells to researchers around the globe, and I believe the Canadians actually get credit for pioneering stem cells) and the best beaches. (You do indeed have the best bitches.) We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay. (Ask John Whitehead about Mr. Spitzer's integrity. And Martha Stewart is from Blue State New Jersey.)

We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. (Opryland closed in 1997. Y'all don't get the newspaper up there?) We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. (Let's see ... we have Dell, a good number of the oil companies, AT&T, Eli Lilly, FedEx and Procter & Gamble among others. I think we'll survive. And you have Tyco.) We get Harvard. You get Dollywood. (This comparison makes no sense, proving that whoever wrote it did not go to Harvard. But in a football game, Harvard would be a 28-point road dog to Dollywood.)

We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. (Prove it.) You get Alabama. (Yeah, and you get New Jersey.) We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share. (When we give you back all your retirees who strain our health-care system and refuse to vote for school property taxes because they have no ties to the area, we'll see how it works out for you.)

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms. (You mean like Bill Clinton's mother?)

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce (Lettuce? We're so jealous), 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) (No, sweet tea, thank you.) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal (We won't need it once we start drilling in Alaska, and we've got all the oil since California won't build anymore offshore platforms), all living redwoods, sequoias and condors (Now those condors sure would look good mounted over my fireplace, though), every single Ivy league school (We'll get Dartmouth back soon enough; New Hampshire isn't strong Blue), and their Seven Sister schools... Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT included.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs) (But we're deporting all the old snowbirds who moved South and to Arizona), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornados, 90 percent of the hurricanes (and 0.1 percent of earthquakes and 2 percent of forest fires) , 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson, the University of Georgia, and the Ku Klux Klan. (And you get Michael Moore, the Bloods and the Crips. I'll give you the University of Georgia part.)

We also get Hollywood (You can have it, although I thought everything was shot in Vancouver anyway.), Yosemite (And we get the Grand Canyon) , and the Smithsonian (Actually, we would get the Smithsonian under the "slave state" rule mentioned above.), thank you. (No, thank y'all.)

Very Truly,

Founders of New California

[author unknown] (I don't blame you, I wouldn't sign my name either. By the way, I'm Jake.)

Well, hell, I could have finished the music post by the time I did all of that. Later, I promise.

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