Breakfast at Tiffany's – Because I Do Not Know

Firing Blanks

Gay.Com reports that in next month's Maxim magazine, Chicago White Sox (that's baseball, people) outfielder (that means he stands out in the grass part) Carl Everett says gay people shouldn't be allowed to marry because the union could not result in rugrats.

While Everett told the magazine he has accepted gay teammates, he also said: "Gays being gay is wrong. Two women can't produce a baby, two men can't produce a baby, so it's not how it's supposed to be. ... I don't believe in gay marriages. I don't believe in being gay."

Hey, Carl, you have the right to your opinion. But let's be consistent here. Postmenapausal women who either didn't marry young or who lost their husbands through either divorce or death? Die alone. Straight men who are impotent? Die alone.

I'm sure Carl would be in favor of that, right? After all, he's making up for the rest of us with his five children. However, if he's going to continue providing for them in the comfortable manner they are living now, he might want to try getting a hit every now and then. He's batting .264, and misses the ball completely almost as much as he makes contact (51 hits compared to 33 strikeouts).

Of course, no one can claim ol' Carl is a rocket scientist. Several years ago when he played in Boston, he said dinosaurs didn't exist because they aren't mentioned in the Bible and speculated that man didn't set foot on the moon.

"God created the sun, the stars, the heavens and the earth, and then made Adam and Eve," Everett said last Friday, before the Red Sox lost two of three in Atlanta. "The Bible never says anything about dinosaurs. You can't say there were dinosaurs when you never saw them. Someone actually saw Adam and Eve. No one ever saw a Tyrannosaurus rex."

What about dinosaur bones?

"Made by man," he says.

Everett has trouble, too, with the idea of man actually walking on the moon. After first rejecting the notion, he concedes, "Yeah, that could have happened. It's possible. That is something you could prove. You can't prove dinosaurs ever existed. I feel it's far-fetched."

Uh, I got some bad news for you, Carl. Gays are mentioned in the Bible. Oy veh.

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